I read a really horrendous piece of journalism the other day. Some of you already know this, but my local newspaper is a sorry sack of shit. They actually paid somebody one time to write the headline "Police search for clues in shootings, robberies". Thank goodness the newspaper cleared that up for me. I always thought they sat on their asses all day long and did no crime investigation at all. That isn't today's point, though.
The News and Record has many shortcomings. One of them is that they have an archiving system that requires a payment of $3 per article. Or you can get a yearly archive subscription (1000 articles) for the low, low price of $1995.00. I'm not kidding. I wish I was. No free sample, no trial membership. Nothing.
Anyway, this genius named Melissa Turner wrote an article in Friday's paper about lightning. Different kinds of lightning and the perils of being struck by lightning. In her article, she offered "some tips for staying out of its angry reach". Angry reach??? What the fuck is that? I didn't realize lightning was angry. Maybe she's right, though. After all, she's the professional journalist. Among the tips for those who find themselves in an open field in the midst of a lightning storm:
"assume the 'lightning stance'".
She stated it like it's something we're all taught in the same lesson as "when you're on fire, stop, drop and roll." She would later clarify and explain the 'lightning stance' as getting into a crouched position.
(b) (this one was my favorite, and she actually said this. I'm not making this up)
"Cover your ears. Pray. This will minimize your chances of being stuck, but does not guarantee safety"
Okay. That's just plain crazy. I may not be that wise in the ways of science, and I'm a skeptic when it comes to religion. Nonetheless, I'm certain that prayer cannot alter meteorological forces. If it was true, we would never experience droughts or typhoons or devastating hurricanes. Now, I will say that for the praying kind, saying a prayer in a situation like that probably does make you feel better about being in a horrifying situation. But c'mon!
I wish I could share this article with you so you could read it for yourself, but their cruddy archiving system is stupid, and I don't want anyone to have to pay three bucks.
Destroyer This Night